I have been finding myself consumed with regret. I keep thinking that if I had just moved into this $500 a month studio apartment in hollywood after me and my ex broke up then things would have turned out differently: I would have built confidence, I would have succeeded in my endeavors, I would have met the guy of my dreams, had a successful career and my life would be magical and great. I have no idea if that is how things would have turned out but that is where my mind takes me again and again. I wake up in the morning thinking about this guy... I fucking hate admitting that, but it's the truth and if I want to move on I have to be honest with myself. I don't know how to let it go.
Lately it seems like everyone around me is finding love, even the jerk players I've gone out with seem to have found love. WTF? Everyone seems to move on with their life, but I feel stuck. Life feels like the theme song to friends, except without the friends: It's like you're always stuck in second gear--that's what life feels like. Nothing has come along that has been like "yes this is right. this is what i need to be doing and where i need to be". (Or if it has come, I've gotten scared and not embraced it.) None of the jobs i've worked....none of the friends i've made....only one of the guys i've dated....but he is the one i can't stop fucking thinking about, because it didn't work out. I keep re-analyzing the ways in which if things had been different that it would have. It's a lame waste of time and life I know, but it's in my head and I just need to figure out how to get it out, how to move on. I need to realize that there is hope out there for something better.
I get these psychic moments...it's like that Miley Cyrus song (my all time favorite pop song) when she says "I have a way of knowing when something's right". I think we all do. I love when I get that feeling. It's an overwhelming sense of just knowing about something that hasn't happened yet, that it's going to be right. I look forward to those moments because it's a chance to make the right choice and not be scared of what is naturally happening in my life. That is part of my problem--I get scared of self-actualizing. So I resist the things that make sense in my life. Why would I do something so ridiculous? I'm just scared. Why am I scared? I don't know...because I've been so used to pain and negativity for so long that happiness, love and success seem like a foreign language, a foreign world. The unknown is scary. I think what I have to do is remember the times in my life in which I was happy and I was confident and strong and try to identify with that rather than the years I spent trapped in a world that I didn't belong.
The important thing in all of this is that I realize these things. I understand. Now all I have to do is stay positive that there is still some magic, hope and promise out there for my life. It's not over, it's not a lost cause. I will find happiness, friends I connect with, a career that inspires me and a guy who makes sense. All I have to do is trust when things feel right and go for it boldly and bravely.
Hang in there... As someone who themselves has been trapped by the ghost of women past, I can tell you that while it may never get easier, and while the thought of that "one" you lost may forever haunt you, they are gone. And what you thought you had at one moment in time, will never return. I know it's a sobering thought and I know that each morning I still wake up thinking about them too, but we have to remind ourselves that despite the sleepless nights we continue to have, that out there we still have to believe someone is waiting for us. So, pick yourself up, pretty lady. Wipe the dust off your pants. And lift your head back up. Because I'm still out there searching for that one as well. Because you are right, there is nothing that feels better than knowing when something is right (or maybe I should say Miley is right).
ReplyDeletePlus, you've yet to meet me ;)
I'm a fan of the show HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER and on last night's episode there's a scene where one of the lead's ex-girlfriends tells him that there is the one woman out there for him and to hold on because she is trying to get here as fast as she can.
So, to you I say, hold on, because he's on his way and he's getting there as fast as he can.
thanks :) good food for thought
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