Thank you to the Universe

I don't know what's been going on with me, but I've been feeling really super duper good lately. I had been asking the universe to just throw me a bone--give me something, anything...and it did! I booked an international commercial...ask and yee shall receive.

I don't have a lot to write about right now, but I just wanted to make note of it in my blog that nobody reads. I noticed my last one was really depressing and I didn't want to leave it like that. So here it is...my happy blog about how great my life feels right now.

One thing I think that has helped me is--and this might sound really dumb--reading my horoscope every day on google. It's weird, but it seems to be really on point like 85% of the time. It has a lot of really good advice that helps me feel more focused every day. I read it in the mornings and reflect for a few moments and then move on with my day. Right now, Venus is in Aries--i'm an aries--which means that love is in the air for me. It's been true.

I'm falling for a guy who is wrong in so many ways though, but I feel happy around him so I'm trusting that. One of my mottos right now--i have a handful, which i've gotten from Dove candy wrappers and taped to my wall--says "don't think about it so much". I'm trying to utilize this one with this particular guy.

Seeing as how i'm doing so much dating these days, the main thing I am working on right now is my bod. I'm improving my bod. Yep. Eating lots and lots of food so that I can gain ten fucking pounds. It seems so easy for other people, yet so far away for me. It's fine though...i'm working on it.

All in all, life is good and I haven't been able to honestly feel that in like five years at least. =)

yawning. exhausted. can't sleep. wtf?

I feel like I have mono.  I am so tired and lethargic feeling, I just want to lay around.  But when it comes to bed time, I lay awake with a million useless thoughts running through my head.

I have been finding myself consumed with regret.  I keep thinking that if I had just moved into this $500 a month studio apartment in hollywood after me and my ex broke up then things would have turned out differently:  I would have built confidence, I would have succeeded in my endeavors, I would have met the guy of my dreams, had a successful career and my life would be magical and great.  I have no idea if that is how things would have turned out but that is where my mind takes me again and again.  I wake up in the morning thinking about this guy...  I fucking hate admitting that, but it's the truth and if I want to move on I have to be honest with myself.  I don't know how to let it go. 

Lately it seems like everyone around me is finding love, even the jerk players I've gone out with seem to have found love.  WTF?  Everyone seems to move on with their life, but I feel stuck. Life feels like the theme song to friends, except without the friends:  It's like you're always stuck in second gear--that's what life feels like.  Nothing has come along that has been like "yes this is right.  this is what i need to be doing and where i need to be".  (Or if it has come, I've gotten scared and not embraced it.)  None of the jobs i've worked....none of the friends i've made....only one of the guys i've dated....but he is the one i can't stop fucking thinking about, because it didn't work out.  I keep re-analyzing the ways in which if things had been different that it would have.  It's a lame waste of time and life I know, but it's in my head and I just need to figure out how to get it out, how to move on.  I need to realize that there is hope out there for something better.

I get these psychic moments...it's like that Miley Cyrus song (my all time favorite pop song) when she says "I have a way of knowing when something's right".  I think we all do.  I love when I get that feeling.  It's an overwhelming sense of just knowing about something that hasn't happened yet, that it's going to be right.  I look forward to those moments because it's a chance to make the right choice and not be scared of what is naturally happening in my life.  That is part of my problem--I get scared of self-actualizing.  So I resist the things that make sense in my life.  Why would I do something so ridiculous?  I'm just scared.  Why am I scared?  I don't know...because I've been so used to pain and negativity for so long that happiness, love and success seem like a foreign language, a foreign world.  The unknown is scary.  I think what I have to do is remember the times in my life in which I was happy and I was confident and strong and try to identify with that rather than the years I spent trapped in a world that I didn't belong.

The important thing in all of this is that I realize these things.  I understand.  Now all I have to do is stay positive that there is still some magic, hope and promise out there for my life.  It's not over, it's not a lost cause.  I will find happiness, friends I connect with, a career that inspires me and a guy who makes sense.  All I have to do is trust when things feel right and go for it boldly and bravely.